L.A. Can’t Drive

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So I’m walking to my car to see if my tires have been marked for a potential 2-hour parking violation in Beverly Hills down that narrow one-way alley where I work.  As many of you already know, this alley (just south of S. Santa Monica) has been the source of quite a few posts on this blog.  For those of you who don’t know, there are clear “one way” signs posted at both ends of the alley as well as on the walls of several buildings along the entire stretch.  There are also white arrows painted on the pavement every 20 feet indicating one way traffic.  However, given the number of one-way violations I’ve already seen on this strip of pavement, I never walk anywhere close to the center of this alley (unlike many kids who attend Beverly Hills High).  It’s a good thing I kept to this pattern today, because this old geazer with a bushy white mustache came barreling around the corner at top speed entering the alley the wrong way.  In fact, if I were in a car traveling at only 15 mph, there is no doubt in my mind that we would have had a head-on collision.  This senile fu*ker in his white Dodge Grand Caravan nearly hits me as he hits his breaks and veers to his left as I scramble out of the way.  I snapped this photo as I was walking back from my car.  Seriously, would it kill him to drive around the block and enter the alley from the correct–safe–direction?  The city didn’t just make this alley one way to inconvenience egocentric Los Angelenos.  Now it’s bad enough to ignore “one way” and “do not enter” signs, but to do so while speeding around a blind corner is just amoebic stupidity.  Listen, buddy, from the looks of it, it doesn’t look like you have too many years to go.  If living is too painful, try to kill yourself without taking others along for the ride across the river Styx.

Filed under: Aggressive, Observation, Senior, Speeding | No Comments »

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Before I talk about this post, I’d like to say that today my car was involved in a very minor hit-and-run in Beverly Hills.  I was parked along the side of the street on Charleville when a lady in a blue Audi backed up into my car, got out to see a cracked license plate cover, and then got back in her car and drove away.  My coworker happened to be walking to lunch when he saw this whole affair happen and took down her car’s info.  Now folks, no matter how minor the damage, you don’t just drive away when you hit someone’s car.  You just don’t, period.  Now although there didn’t appear to be any damage other than a cracked frame, who knows what else this lady’s done behind the wheel that’s much worse than what she did today.  And you can bet that the next time she gets pulled over (and I’ll put money on that she will sometime soon), this hit-and-run will appear on her record.  The pathetic thing is if she had just sucked it up and left an apologetic note on my windshield with her info, I would have let the whole thing go.  I mean seriously, how much is a license plate frame, anyway?  5 bucks?  Before I continue, I will have to say that covered license plate covers are illegal, even though they sell them in practically every store that has auto supplies; I didn’t know this, and this was pointed out to me by the two BH cops that showed up to take make a report on this hit-and-run.  Though they were slightly peeved for coming out for something so minor, they understood, as did I, that despite the inconsequential collision to my vehicle, the impact was hard enough for the woman to realize that she hit my car, and yet she still chose to drive away without leaving any contact information on my windshield.  In the end, Karma awarded the time the cops spent to write up the report because right when they left the scene, they ended up pulling over a metallic slate blue Mustang that ran in front of a pedestrian in a pedestrian crosswalk half a block later.  If there are any cops reading this post, definitely patrol this area around where Santa Monica and Wilshire intersect….I can’t tell you how many people crossing that crosswalk to the Starbucks on the corner almost get mowed down by oblivious commuters.

Now this specific post concerns an ornery old woman who looked 5 years shy of collecting her first social security check.  For statistic’s sake, I’ll classify her as a blue hair (though it was dyed brown).  Anyway, she was riding my ass like a sexually frustrated old crone in her white Mercedes while we were traveling south on Laurel Canyon in Studio City.  I actually noticed her zigzagging between lanes without signaling, so I wasn’t surprised when she jerked her car over to her left when the possibility of legally passing me dawned on her instead of trying to coerce me to tailgate the van in front of me.  The best part about this is that she actually glared at me when I calmly rolled past her as my lane cruised forward while she got “stuck” in #1 lane.  In all reality, if she just learned to calm down and take her heart medication, she would realize that she wasn’t making any headway whatsoever with her senile aggression, particularly during rush hour.

Filed under: Aggressive, Car Lights, Clueless, Senior, Tailgater | 6 Comments »

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You have to be one delusional, egotistical asshole or a royal, lobotomized idiot to tailgate a police car.  Yes, a police car.  My wife took this picture traveling up Highland.  Notice how close the green car is to the cop car ahead of it at the red light.  The car was actually driving that close to the police cruiser the entire way up Highland from Santa Monica until the officer made a left on Hollywood Blvd.  Now you can bet that tailgating a cop is just the tip of the iceberg for a driver this stupid.  Now what’s scarier: a town filled with endless possibilities of asinine driving like what we witnessed right here or a town full of traffic cops who are oblivious or indifferent to this kind of driving behavior?

Filed under: Aggressive, Clueless, Tailgater | 2 Comments »

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I know how Angelenos complain about the whole “L.A. can’t drive in the rain” stereotype. It’s tiresome, etc. It’s like everyone saying that all New Yorkers are assholes. However, practically anyone who spends time in New York actually realize that most New Yorkers aren’t assholes at all. However, the longer one spends time in L.A., the more one realizes that Angelenos really can’t drive in the rain. And quite frankly, the fact that the weather really doesn’t change that drastically here isn’t an excuse. If you’re out of practice, why not take the necessary precautions? There needs to be a moment where drivers here finally realize that they need to take responsibility for their own actions and common sense (or lack thereof). To hyperbolize, I’ve never come face to face with a wild, rogue elephant in the wilds of Africa. Yet if one comes charging at me, you can be certain that I’ll be running pell-mell to the nearest rock ledge I can find. Now, say, you’re used to driving around in Southern California where rain is sparse. In the rare instances where you get consecutive days of colder, cloudy weather and drizzling rain, one would think you would take all precautions necessary in the spirit of self-preservation to drive safely. Unfortunately, as this submission demonstrates, logic and reason do not seem to apply on our streets:

“It’s 5:30 in the morning. It’s also foggy and drizzling. As I was traveling southbound on the I-5 passing Lyons Ave. in Valencia coming home from work, I couldn’t help but notice that it’s a bit darker than usual. I’m also traveling between 65-70 mph. This white sedan then flies by me, and as soon as I took this 5 more flew by me, in a line no less, in the same way in the next 3 miles, wtf??”

I’m sorry, but at 5:30 in the morning in the rain, you should be driving with your headlights on. Also, speeding in a drizzle is one of the dumbest things you can do, especially in a geographical area that doesn’t get much rain–the road gets very slick, and there isn’t enough rainfall to wash off the oil from the asphalt. Needless to say, these guys need a reality check on safe driving that hopefully doesn’t involve a gurney and limb amputation.

Filed under: Car Lights, Observation, Speeding | No Comments »

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I could totally relate with this submission I got in in my inbox a couple of days ago, since I drive this stretch of road quite often whenever I cut through Coldwater Canyon.  It’s also the stretch of road that precedes the intersection of hell where you have 7 different roads converging at a single, massive point, controlled solely by stop signs.  Rent L.A. Story, lately?

“I was driving north on Beverly when I encountered this jackhole. Keep in mind that although there are no lane markings on this part of Beverly, it is CLEARLY a two-lane stretch of street with room for parked cars along the curb.  Not only is this common knowledge, but having “STOP” painted TWICE, side-by-side, in big white letters on the pavement at 4-way stop sign intersections should be enough for the village idiot to clue in to the concept of 2 lanes.  But technically, no one can be ticketed for driving in the middle of the street as, again, there are no lane markings.  My guess is that this jacknut who was driving in the middle of the street didn’t even know that there were two lanes and was driving in the middle to prevent other drivers from “passing”.  To send him a message about the two lane thing, I start driving to his left (so if he had looked in the mirror he might have thought, oh, well maybe this street has two lanes). But no…he sllllooooowwwly starts veering into my “lane”, as if telling me that I’m not allowed to “pass”.  So after slowly veering to his left, I then move to the right since at this point he has now allotted space for a clear two-lane driving experience.  Then out of nowhere he cuts right in front of me without signaling when he sees a parking space on the right hand side of the street, practically causing a collision.  Jackhole.”

It’s true.  This guy technically can’t get ticketed for taking up 2 lanes at once in this situation since there aren’t dotted white lane markings.  So if he wanted to drive around like a clueless dingbat or a territorial asshole, that’s his prerogative.  But the “California Cut” is just completely uncalled for.  For one, there is never a shortage of parking on this stretch of Beverly, so why the rush?  Two, if you know that you’re in the ballpark of your destination, why the hell are you driving on the side of the road farthest from where you need to be?  Case in point: I see so many people in L.A. driving in the rightmost lane when they have to make a left turn 1 block later (crossing 3 lanes of traffic in the process).  Yet another classic example of an L.A. denizen’s lack of attention to detail and consideration for others.

Filed under: Cell Phone, Clueless, Observation | 2 Comments »

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And the Prius drivers of Los Angeles continue to make a horrible name for themselves, reinforcing a negative and misleading stereotype that drivers of hybrid cars are elitist, arrogant, and self-aggrandizing. Honestly, if you see a Prius driver in L.A., chances are you’re not dealing with a socially and environmentally sensitive individual. Rather, you’re just seeing another typical Angeleno concerned about image and false perceptions of global awareness. “Like, I care about the universe!  I donate to soup kitchens!  Oh my God…what is that whore wearing?”  Case in point: the driver of this black Prius was aggressively weaving and tailgating all along Little Santa Monica during rush hour. On more that one occasion, this asshole disregarded the need to keep intersections clear, driving his black spermish vehicle into the middle and holding up both perpendicular traffic and vehicles attempting to make a left turn off of Little Santa Monica.

Here’s the kicker, though: I hate it when aggressive assholes behind you see you signal when you make a lane change to avoid a hazard or traffic congestion and then change lanes without signaling while they’re still behind you, using this instance as an opportunity to pass. Let’s call this leapfrogging from now on, shall we?  I’m sorry, but when did a lane change signal become a green light for dicks behind you to “beat you to the punch”, so to speak? In this particular scenario, the white Honda in the foreground saw traffic congestion in the #1 lane as we were approaching Burton Way and signaled to make a lane change to his right. The driver of the Prius saw this and then proceeded to make a shotgun lane change to his/her right, without signaling of course, slammed on the accelerator, and then had the gall to honk at the signaling white Honda, as if he/she had the right-of-way. The white Honda naturally honked back in protest.

I am putting this out there, fellow commuters. If I ever see something like this result in a collision, have solace in the fact that I will actually stop and provide my information to you as a witness to testify against the other driver’s donkey-fuc*king behavior. I have no tolerance for this type of arrogance–conceit of this degree has no place behind the wheel.

Filed under: Aggressive, Car Lights, Speeding, Tailgater | 3 Comments »

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Tonight I was getting tailgated by a car that scared the bejeezus out of me because it’s absentminded driver was cruising along without any headlights on.  Hell, the only reason I saw this car in the first place was because the car in front of me stopped suddenly, and ever since I got rear-ended twice within a week in L.A. (first rear-enders ever, fyi), I instinctively check my rearview mirror right after coming to an abrupt stop–think of it as minor PTSD for an L.A. commuter.  So I thought it only fitting when I encountered this lady in her 50’s who was driving around in a dark navy sedan (I forget the make) on 6th St. without headlights on at around 8:30 p.m….probably the 15th car I saw tonight in a 4 mile commute without low beam headlights in operation.  Needless to say, I briefly flashed my high beams at her to give her a wake-up call, to no avail.  As I pulled up next to her at an intersection, I saw nothing but vacant eyes and a impassive expression with the mouth slightly open.  You know how some people just look stupid and others just look smart?  Well,  she just looked imbecilic.  If she’s this clueless at 50, imagine how she’ll drive when she starts collecting her social security checks.

Filed under: Car Lights, Clueless, Observation | 5 Comments »

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Even though Southern California is supposed to be “laid back”, this attitude does not apply to our drivers.  By sheer virtue of the fact that our streets seem to get more crowded as we approach the late spring and summer months, Los Angeleno drivers get more impatient, irrational, and cocksure.  Earlier today, this fat fu*k to my left blows through a 4-way stop sign intersection rotary, despite the fact that I fully stopped for my stop ahead of him and doubly had the right of way by being on his right.  This ugly, sweaty-looking piece of sh*t nearly hits my car and then proceeds to ride my ass for the next block before squeezing his jalopy next to my car at the next stop sign to make a right turn.  When I rolled down my window to yell at him, this chicken sh*t completely ignored me, as if he only had the guts to assert his idiocy in a confrontation when he’s encased and properly distanced in his 2000-pound car.  I always watch out for crappy-looking vehicles on the road.  Mind you, this isn’t a class thing or an economically elitist approach to driver profiling–believe me, I don’t drive a top of the line vehicle, either.  Rather, if someone leads their life with a sense of malaise and disregard for rules and consideration of others, etc., there is a VERY strong possibility in L.A. that these drivers also treat their vehicles with this same sense of disregard and abandon.  This is a parallel I drew quite often in my earlier posts about a year ago.

Anyway, although I didn’t get a photo of this guy, I did get this submission the other day which is very indicative of this self-centered, illogical mentality that fuels our asshole drivers:

“Just like you, I hate driving around Hollywood.  I feel like there’s some kind of invisible border that contains all the dick drivers in a few square miles.  I was driving north on Highland and was approaching Romaine when I saw this Chevy Express van weaving in and out of the no. 1 and no. 2 lanes behind me.  All of a sudden, I see this road rager barrel down the righmost curb lane that was littered with parked cars.  For the sake of skipping ahead 2 cars, this guy almost slams into a parked car before nearly hitting my car as he cut right in front.  Although I knew that he could care less, I honked anyway out of sheer principal.”

Again, is driving a vehicle just a game to so many drivers in this town?  What are you trying to prove?  Aren’t we a bit too old to take this sandbox mentality onto our streets?  Get with the program and grow the fu*k up.  Unfortunately, it’s probably too late for the two drivers mentioned in this post and only an accident might give them a wake up call.  Hopefully, no innocent victims will be involved.

Filed under: Aggressive, Clueless, Observation, Tailgater | No Comments »

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So we all know that cab drivers, on the whole, drive with their heads up their asses in any city.  I definitely learned how to navigate around these yellow weaving psychos driving around New York City for so many years.  However, one thing you almost never saw in New York was a cab blatantly running a red light in broad daylight in front of a slew of cars.  Now, add the L.A. habit of running red lights into the mix.  Just today, I saw 4 cars run red lights–2 in the Valley and 2 in the West Side; 2 men and 2 women.  Wow, it seems like equal opportunity prick day for L.A.  From what I’ve seen, the most common red light violation occurs when drivers make left turns and try to fool themselves into thinking that they were turning on a yellow light.  At most intersections, you can squeeze 2–maybe 3–cars at most when a light turns from yellow to red.  This taxi cab was the 5th car in line when he made his left turn on what he’d like to tell a cop was a yellow light.  In reality, the green light for my direction of travel was solid green for a good 2 seconds when this cabbie ran his red light.  Apparently, he thought the intersection at Camarillo and Vineland/Lankershim was large enough that he cut cut diagonally across rush hour traffic before cars traveling east and west could accelerate fast enough to block his path.  What actually happened was that cars just started honking at this asshole who knew exactly what he was doing but just didn’t give a flying fu*k.  And this isn’t a knock on taxi drivers.  The 3 other red light runners I saw today exhibited the same attitude behind the wheel when you saw their faces.  Unfortunately, this guy sped away too quickly for me to get down his license plate info.  Seriously, people, if you need some proof, have yourself and a friend depart from some random place in town at the same time in 2 different cars.  Without cheating and driving like a chicken with its head cut off, have one of you try to beat out yellow lights (without running reds, please!), and the other actually slow to a stop.  I guarantee you that even on an 8 mile drive, the other person will only beat you to the destination by only a couple of minutes, if that.  2 minutes isn’t worth endangering your life and the lives of others on the road, and it’s certainly not worth points on your license, traffic school, and a hefty fine.  I know we like to smoke ganja here, people, but let’s try to be smart–for once.  Stop running red lights!

Filed under: Aggressive, Clueless, Speeding | 2 Comments »

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Los Angeles is full of physically attractive women.  Unfortunately, a very large percentage of these women are also shallow, self-centered, and dumb as sh*t.  All I have to say is that I agree with my friends who tell me that I was lucky to get married before moving out here, because quite frankly, the dating scene is just brutal.  Easy to get ass, hard to find quality and substance if you’re looking to settle down.  Personally, I just think the better girls are harder to find because of the sheer size of this sprawling suburb, compounded by the fact that we’re all isolated in our vehicles, our homes, or our place of work.  With that said, the arrow is actually pointing to a BMW that had 3 relatively attractive young women in it; however, all 3 were unfortunately dressed like prissy little whores and sported lip gloss as shiny as flypaper.  Well, this just shows that sometimes you actually can judge a book by its cover, since these girls proceeded to speed as fast as they could on Cahuenga East (parallel to the 101 Fwy) before 2 lanes merged into 1.  When the road eventually merged, they started aggressively tailgating the white sedan in front of them, despite the fact that all cars were already going 50 in a 40 mph zone and there wasn’t anywhere for the white car could go.  What possible good does tailgating like ditzy wenches do in a situation like this?  Looks fade, ladies, but a good heart lasts forever.  These girls should have been told to get smart a long time ago, though I wouldn’t be surprised if they learned how to behave this way from their parents.

Filed under: Aggressive, Clueless, Speeding, Tailgater | 2 Comments »